Find Her Sexual “Restart” Button

There’s an old saying that having sex is like riding a bicycle: You never forget how to do it, even if it’s been a while. But honestly, that sounds like BS to us. You may remember how to ride it, but you don’t have to give that bike an orgasm.

Let’s say it’s been a while since you’ve done it — not you, of course, we’re talking about other people — the first thing to remember is that it’s not uncommon. According to an AARP sex & intimacy survey, 33 percent of couples “rarely or never have sex.” And not all of them are in sexless marriages (whether they want to be or not). Some of them are just … well, out of practice. One sexless week turns into one month, and before you know it, you’ve forgotten how to initiate sex anymore. How do you even let her know you’re interested? Do you just grab her boob like a horny teenager?

Slow down, cowboy. It’s a better idea to ease into it, says certified sex coach Michaela d’Artois. “If you spring it on her, it puts her in a position that might feel jarring and where she has to instantly turn this switch on that’s been off for a while.” Instead, try these steps.

Step 1: Talk about it.

Nobody wants to have the sex talk. It was cringey when we were kids and it can be just as cringey for adults. But communication is key.

“Talk outside of the bedroom, in a neutral space, and give yourselves enough time to really talk,” d’Artois says. “You can ask, ‘How often would you like to have sex? How would you like me to approach you? Do you want more spontaneity or romantic surprises, or do you want to plan for date nights or schedule sex nights?’ Take the guesswork out and be clear.”

Step 2: Make a list.

Since so much time has passed since you last did it, you might not know what your partner is even into anymore. 

D’Artois gives her clients homework. “Write a list of things that would be interesting to explore,” she says. “Set time aside to try them out. Don’t be afraid to laugh or to fumble or be awkward. Approach it with a sense of playfulness and curiosity.”

Step 3: Flirt more.

A good way to ease into reinvigorating your sexual relationship is to start with some old-fashioned flirting. This can include compliments, lingering eye contact, a pat on the butt or flirty texts.

“Remember: It’s hard to go from a nonsexual relationship to a sexual one instantly,” d’Artois says. “Being flirtier and more romantic in general helps ease into this more naturally. You can text her that you’re thinking of her, tell her she looks beautiful.”

Step 4: Amp up the touch.

Not the “grab her boob to show you’re interested” type of touching. We mean nonsexual touching, like hand-holding or stroking her arm.

“Work your way through the different types of touches gradually — there’s nurturing touch, affectionate touch, sensual touch, erotic touch, and then sexual touch,” d’Artois says. Start small with a massage and see where it leads.

Step 5: Surprise her (or plan it).

Yes, this step sounds conflicting. But if you did step 1 correctly, then you’ll know if she’d like more spontaneity or if she’d rather plan for sex. 

If she told you she needs to gear up a bit for sexy time, then plan dates and set intentions. “You can plan a romantic date, a massage date or a sex date — just set your intentions and communicate them beforehand,” says d’Artois.

Pick a date and the place and set the scene. It could be a staycation at your favorite hotel in town (or a sleazy motel if that’s her thing), or you can set up your sex night in the comfort of your own home with incense, wine and candles. 

Now, if your homework revealed that she wants you to surprise her or be more spontaneously proactive in the bedroom, then try the following: Join her in the shower, kiss her neck while she’s doing the dishes, greet her in a robe and with a glass of wine when she comes through the door, or pause the movie you’re watching to do the sexy or romantic thing you just saw on screen in real time. 

Step 6: Revert to an “oldie but goodie.”

If you wake up with an erection, don’t head to the shower for relief. Roll over, spoon her, let its presence gently be known, and whisper sweet nothings in her ear. 

“Greet her with something like, ‘Waking up next to you looking so beautiful does something to me.’ This makes your desire known, and from there she can opt in or out,” d’Artois says. “If she opts out, don’t let it set you back: You’ve successfully communicated a want and made her feel desired. That’s a win-win.”